The past 12 years, I had the privilege to invest a monumental amount of time and energy in the most fulfilling personal project: maximizing the physical potential of my body.

It’s hard to underestimate the impact this decision will have on my life. Even I don’t fully comprehend it yet. For my entire adult life, I have had a drive towards becoming the best athlete I could be. The exciting part about this is that it was a project that was never finished. While I started out this running journey in search for results, it has slowly transformed me, and with it, the focus of my goals. This is more than just a sport to me. Running has become my moment of reflection, occasionally a moment of pure meditation. Running had turned into a way of life. My way of life. It has taught me life lessons like patience, focus, curiosity, playfulness and kindness.

It’s tough to accept that I won’t add any more chapters to my marathon career, the Olympic Marathon will forever be my last one. But even more heartbreaking is to think that I’ll never again experience the intoxicating feeling of floating effortlessly over the pavement. Mind and body clicking. Just you and your breath, and the pounding of your feet hitting the road. There is nothing quite like it. If you’ve been lucky enough to have experienced it, then you know. Running is what we are supposed to do. This motion is in our DNA. I feel like I’m born to do this, and I’ve been robbed of a massive part of my daily joy and purpose.

It makes me sick to think that these memories will slowly fade. The memory of gliding through the streets of Berlin and Paris, the two marathon that have been edged into my brain. In those 2 hours, nothing else mattered.

Over the years, running has taken a more and more prominent role in my life until today – where I cannot imagine living life without it. I had imagined that the act of running would be woven into my life for as long as I physically could. Life has decided otherwise. I will have to redefine my running, and I hope to still be able to run for other reasons than performance or chasing goals. I hope to run to chat with friends, run to reflect on life or just run in silence – clearing my mind after a busy day.

This loss has several layers, one more important or long-lasting than the other.

The most straightforward one is the loss of my job. I have been able to make a living with running, which inevitably means that my income is closely related to me actually performing. Since I won’t be competing anymore, this financial structure will become pointless soon. I could conceivably keep running professionally until the 2032 Olympics, but all my contracts will inevitably stop by the end of the year. Even though this is a huge bummer now, this will not bother me anymore in a few years. That’s why I try to let go of this part of the loss.

I also lose all the potential results, medals and experiences of the races that might have been. No LA28 or Brisbane32. No European marathon title. No big, shiny personal best that will feel like I have maximized my marathon potential. This also will have its place soon. I’ve had an amazing time in this sport, with a lot of firsts, all the way to running my first Olympics. The emotions I got to feel and share with my friends and family will become an amazing memory. One day that will be enough.

The next two losses are harder to swallow.

My entire adult life, I woke up and went to bed with a simple goal behind everything I did. I enjoyed other things as well, but whatever happened, at the end of the day I could find comfort in the fact that I was always chasing something. Working towards something. That feeling is addictive and immensely satisfying. In one moment, this drive is gone. I can still enjoy the good things in life. Spending time with family and friends is still fun, but there is no more chasing. No big goals on the horizon.

The hardest part will be redefining the place running has in my life. Running has become this old friend that you expect to be alongside you for all chapters of life. Instead, we will be alienated soon. It is not yet clear in what way I will be still be able to keep running, but it is safe to say that it will be hugely limited, basically nothing compared to what I am used to.

I don’t know if I will ever find anything that excites me as much as running did. Honestly, I doubt it. But after a few weeks, I can already see that I have been lucky. Finding this unwavering passion, developing and growing as an athlete and as a human being, experiencing some of the purest emotions that life has to offer. I am quite sure that I am one of the lucky ones. It has undeniably been the adventure of a lifetime. And whatever comes next, this sport has given me everything that I could ever hope for and more. Things that will stay with me, even when the performance part ends now. I owe running so much, like friends for life and lessons to use in new endeavors. This sport will forever be my favorite.